Posted by: Andrew | April 24, 2011

Immobility, Pain and Faith 2

One thing about being immobile is that you have to rely on others a lot. Like you really have to it’s not just that you’d like them to make you a cup of coffee, if they don’t you won’t get one. Now that might seem obvious but it can feel really awkward. Do I keep asking for things or should I try to make an effort? Is it easier to go without things that I’d normally just get or am I being a martyr?

Being self-sufficient is important for me. I like to be able to sort things out – part of being a control freak. To lose control and have to give it to others is difficult. Particularly when it’s mixed up in the messiness of relationships. This isn’t the smooth handing over of control to someone with clear lines of accountability it’s needing others to take control (and they have all been very wonderful). Perhaps it’s harder to ask for help than giving help. although I’m very conscious of how much my wife is now having to do and is doing it without complaining  – ever.

But sitting and waiting for help one feels helpless and childlike – but not in a very nice way. John Hull I think it was who commented on the process of going blind that Jesus said we should become like a child but surely that wasn’t what he meant. My pain does not compare with the trauma of sight loss but I remembered John’s words and found them helpful. Immobility does bring a childlike ness to ones life. It’s not pleasant. Things don’t happen when you want, you have to ask a lot. But one also has to learn to trust others in a very real and practical way. I’ve had to learn that doing everything myself is not the only way for the world to work, others can do things too! I’ve also been privileged to be on the receiving end of real acts of generosity and kindness. I’ve seen God working through people in a way that I don’t when I’m busy rushing round.

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